Monday, October 18, 2010

From the Mountaintops


I wonder how Ezekiel felt when God led him through the valley of bones. Confused, I think. I bet he wondered why God was leading him through a valley of bones. Ezekiel had surely felt the Lord’s presence, heard His voice, and seen Him move. Yet when God asked him the big important question: “Can these bones live?” he still answered with “O Sovereign Lord, You alone know.” Earlier this semester I thought that if I were Ezekiel I would have answered more positively, with an answer like “Of course, Lord! Anything is possible with You!” But now I think I understand why Ezekiel answered how he did.
It’s confusing going from the mountain to the valley. There is the obvious: the scenery is different. Rather than a perspective from up high, closer to God’s perspective, one is thrown right into the thick of it, whatever “it” is, and it is not quite as beautiful at first. Furthermore, it isn’t quite as easy to answer “yes” to questions about the miraculous in the face of thousands of dry bones that have been sitting the way they are for who knows how long. It’s much easier to wonder things like, “Why am I here?” and “What could I possibly do about all these bones?”
This year I have been on the mountaintops, both literally and figuratively. God took me to a higher place than I had ever been this year, where I could see a little more of His perspective. In that place I could hear His voice more clearly. In that place I could see His hand move without distraction. It was in that place He healed me, He moved me, and He changed me into a new person. I spent part of my summer in the Himalayan Mountains with 9 incredible people, literally on the mountaintops, encountering the Lord in new ways and falling so much deeper in love with Him. And then I came back. And God brought me to LA.
It has been a confusing experience, to say the least. Overwhelming, to put it lightly. I’ve asked the questions: “Why am I here?” and God said, “To be made complete.” “What could I possibly do about all these bones?” and God said, “Nothing.” There is a pressure when one comes down from the mountain to immediately put into practice what God showed you. There is a temptation to do something, when perhaps that is not what God intended by bringing you to the mountain. Rather, sometimes God brings us to the mountain to make us into a new person. And so when we come down to the valley, the task is not necessarily to do a whole lot; rather, the challenge is to be the person God formed on the mountain. 
I was reminded of this after struggling intensely with the revelation that evil is big, and I am small. I shared with a few friends of mine that this semester I have come face to face with problems that I once naively thought I could stand against. I now see that on my own, I am much too small to even start. I have always been an optimist, so this news was hard for me to take. I felt restless and unsatisfied with God’s insistence that I am to do nothing this semester, save persevere. The night I shared this struggle I went to a small group with some friends where an entry from Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost for His Highest was read; it was about coming down from the mountaintop.
I was reminded that night that we are not meant to live on the mountaintops. The mountaintop is where God brings us for a little while to experience Him and be changed into new people. But every lover of God that is brought to the mountaintop has had to go back down. Because the valley, though not as desirable, is where we live. It is where we move. The task when we go back down is not necessarily to do anything, because we know that in reality, we can’t do much. Ezekiel couldn’t possibly bring those bones to life, and I can’t bring this city to life. But this year in the mountains, God made me love Him more, and that love makes me cling to Him in this valley. In the mountains God healed me and my new wholeness gives me strength and confidence in this valley. In the mountains God gave me family to support me and cry with me in this valley. In the mountains I saw God’s powerful love move, and that knowledge gives me just enough hope to say, in the face of death itself, “O sovereign Lord, You alone know.”
In the end it is He alone that knows, and He alone that brings life. Ezekiel had the incredible opportunity at this point to stand back and watch the Lord move the way He said He would.  “Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.” (Ezekiel 37:14b)
I know that this semester God is completing the work He started in me this year by teaching me how to live, move, and seek after Him in the valley. Sometimes I just want to run back to the mountaintops and stay there forever. But that is not where I belong, at least not now. Right now I am in the valley, confused, overwhelmed, and waiting for my God to answer “Yes” to the question I simply cannot answer with much assurance from the valley floor.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Why I Cut My Hair.

So for those of you who hadn't noticed yet, I cut all of my hair off. It was a recent decision, but a very thought out one. I'd like to put it on the record why I did what I did, because it wasn't just for a change. And maybe if you don't like how it looks you'll be ok with that after reading. Or not. I don't really care.

   Lately I've been thinking a lot about culture and identity, my culture and identity specifically. Not just as an American, but as Nevadan, as a Sanders woman, as me. Over the past few years I have seen myself changing my outside to fit what I think will be best received by others. I can remember a time in my life, during high school specifically, where I felt totally comfortable with who I was. I didn't answer to anyone, I didn't try to fit in, and I didn't try to be pretty. My close friends knew who I was and where I stood, and that was all I needed. Other people judged me immediately from my appearance, but to be honest, I kind of liked ruining their expectations of who I was. It was a time where I felt truly abandoned to the Lord, nothing and no one holding me back. I was so free.
   But slowly that changed, whether it was a boyfriend who preferred me to look a certain way, or other people that I knew would judge me by my looks. And then I came to Southern California! I didn't realize until this semester how much pressure there is to look a certain  way here. I remember being so comfortable in Nevada just wearing jeans and a t shirt every day, but here I constantly feel the pressure of making an appearance, and I finally had enough of it.
   I need to get back to who I am. I've found myself in the shoes of some girl that I don't really know, which is why I think I feel so uncomfortable with my looks sometimes. I am not this girl that keeps up appearances. I'm the girl who dyed polka dots in her hair, just 'cause. I'm the girl who hates expectations based on my looks or my gender. I'm not the girl who molds herself into those expectations. Cutting off my hair was a way of running away from that girl that I don't know. It's a way of rebelling against that pressure. It's a feeble attempt at freedom, with the hope that God will go the rest of the way in freeing me from the temptation to simply please other people.
   A lot of my friends tried to convince me not to cut off my hair again, but really that made me want to do it more, just to prove that I can without feeling like a disappointment. So, I'm kind of saying... "I'm a girl. I have short hair. Deal with it." My heart's desire is to not be concerned with anyone's opinion but the Lord's. I did this all on my own, not in response to anyone telling me this is how I'm supposed to be, and it felt really good. I want to be free again, and for me, this is a step in the right direction.
   So, there. If you don't think it looks good... big deal. Tell me. It's something I want to be ok with. I want to live life with arms open wide to the Lord and whatever He brings my way, instead of hoping and praying that I'm doing things right. I know it's a superficial thing... but I'm hoping that somehow the short-haired, relaxed, joyful Nevada girl inside me will come out in response to my outward change.
May it be so.