Blue Eyes

Blue eyes

that reflect the sunlight

that focus

that search

that wonder

that sparkle when you laugh.

I never thought you’d have blue eyes.

Soft lips

that imitate

that smile,

scream,

laugh in delight.

Soft lips that kiss me for being your mommy.

Warm cheeks

that rest on my shoulder when you’re tired,

that inspire laughter when I tickle them.

They are flushed from the sunshine

because you don’t want to go inside.

You are a sweet soul.

Your sweetness inspires me

and makes me aware of the 

deep, 

dark, 

sticky places inside my heart.

I want to be a better person.

I want to be more like you.

Blue eyes,

that see me and smile,

I don’t deserve you.

But I will love you nonetheless.

I will love you more than I love myself,

which will be easy.

Sweet soul, I can promise you

not much.

But I’ll try not to fuck you up.

And I’ll laugh with you.

And I’ll remind you when you need reminding.

And I’ll kiss you for being my baby.

And we can sit outside,

forever if you want to.

-Mom.

-Sarah Sanders, '18

Benevolent

Bending,

Twisting,

I move my body unnaturally at the edges of your being,

writhing in response to your movements

in

and away.

I watch, hawklike, for a sign of approval

that rarely comes.

Like a dog that hasn’t learned to find food on its own,

I wait outside your house until the meager nourishment comes,

Devouring it,

and wait again.

I have got to be alone with myself,

I have got to escape your unfocused eyes!

I didn’t want to make you like this,

But it was done long ago.

You were a god before I was born—

benevolent, 

unwittingly the center of my incapable mind—

but ultimately

Uninterested.

I tear, rip, and break at the seams where independence meets identity,

a lover unrequited,

and it would be strange to see you do the same.

I pull at my silk chains but all they do is give me paper cuts.

I have got to be alone with myself,

have got to escape your kind, powerful eyes,

Your benevolent gaze.

-Sarah Sanders, '12

leave the light on

“Mama, what happens when we die?

Do we disappear into darkness,

like my hand does when the sun drops behind the mountains?

Do we evaporate like mist, gently lighting on the ground where we fell?

Or do we stop existing?”

“Mama, close the door, but not

all the way. Leave a light that I can run to when the darkness tries to take me.

Turn on a little TV, so I know you’re still out there.

Leave me now, but don’t go too far.”

When the sun goes down, is the whole universe dark?

Will I be able to see when I die?

Or will I be blind, deaf, and dumb?

Entombed forever in the knowledge of my own nonexistence,

Mummified.

Hold my hand while I sleep so that I don’t drift away.

I don’t like waking up alone.

The chill in the room wraps around my bones and strangles me with its persistent nothingness,

Its persistent nooneness.

Empty of Someone,

It is filled with ghosts and ghouls that could chase me off this bed and into something

called Hell.

Fill my ears with sound so that nothing else can get in.

Don’t let me think on this empty space anymore, 

Don’t let me die!

For that awful Figure will come to claim this life one day, Mama, keep him at bay.

“Baby, when you were born we all stood waiting,

wanting to welcome you home.

When you came, you were crying.

But when I held you, you were safe and warm.

That’s what happens when we die.

Everyone will be waiting for you to wake up,

And when you do,

You’ll never be alone again.”

-Sarah Sanders, '12

Cimmerian Shade

I’ve been in this Cimmerian shade too long

My heart of stone cries out for daylight’s heat

I pick the pieces up and carry on

It’s hard to say how long I have been gone

My muscles ache as I take to my feet

I’ve been in this Cimmerian shade too long

My joints are stiff where once they had been strong

They’re painful but they are not obsolete

I pick the pieces up and carry on

Before the dusk was gone I had withdrawn

Unable with this darkness to compete

I’ve been in this Cimmerian shade too long

I ache to find a cure for what is wrong

A source of light the darkness can’t deplete

I pick the pieces up and carry on

Perhaps if I can wait there’ll be a dawn

I shake the godlike guilt from my conceit

I’ve been in this Cimmerian shade too long

I pick the pieces up and carry on


-Sarah Sanders, '11

Wilderness

My feet have kept on walking though my body has gone dead

My limbs fall limp beside me, I cannot hold up my head

The sun beats down upon me, the mirage it makes is clear

It’s burning in my eyes and it is ringing in my ears

This path that I have tread, I can’t recall what it is named

I don’t know how I got here, I’ve forgotten why I came

My ankles long since broken, a disfigured silhouette

I walk toward the horizon and I stain the soil red

The earth cries out for water as the dust flees from the sun

It floats into my ears and looks for life, but there is none

Each step I take is muffled, and I think your voice is near

But my thoughts are screaming at me, and they’re all that I can hear

The movement automatic, I cannot seem to slow down

My footsteps have turned frantic, struggling to turn back around

I’m suddenly aware that I’ve been walking for too long

But I have long since lost the strength to say My strength is gone

I desperately remember what it’s like to see your face

I pray you’re up ahead somewhere, my feet pick up the pace

My breathing has gone heavy, and my body has gone dry

As despair dispels my energy, I cannot even cry

As consciousness creeps in, I find I’m standing very still

I think I could cry out now, but I don’t know if I will

I don’t know where I am, but I’ve a feeling I’m alone

So I sit and pray you’ll find me and you’ll carry me back home


-Sarah Sanders, '11

I Am Aware of the Darkness I Sit In.

I am standing,

face to face.

with a bright shining sun and a brilliant gleaming moon,

and your eyes, which make me uncomfortable with their kindness and warmth.

I don’t believe you.

My hands are drawn to you, grasping for your touch,

but my eyes want to turn away, shut tight for fear of seeing you cringe.

I feel your warmth radiate.

I hear your voice, full of friendship and love.

but I am illegitimate.

If I am looking into your face, I can feel myself come undone beneath the danger of loving you.

I am aware of the threat,

the terrorism that may pull me apart at any second

if I let these walls down and bare my soul.

the violence that will unfold if my passion is reciprocated,

the unfathomable destruction that will consume both of our lives

if we fall in love.

And I am aware of the darkness I sit in.

And I do not want to be its friend.

And I do not want you to leave me there.

and so I pray for violence,

and a burning light so bright I cannot help but reach out and touch it,

and be burned

and feel again

You Are Good.

When God made the heavens and the earth,

He looked at his creation and he said,

"It is good."

And when he made the flowers, he said

"It is good."

And when he made people, he said

"They are good."

With all their tendencies and potential for evil, God said, knowing full well their bad will, "good."

You are good.

When God made you he said,

"You are good."

And this morning when you woke up God looked at you and he said,

"You are good."

And tonight as you sleep he will gaze upon you and say,

"My child, you are good."

When they tell you you are bad,

Know that you are good.

You are a masterpiece, and you are my friend,

and you are good.

I love you, and you are good.

For Vijay, '11.

Sweetness on Fire

You are…

Some incredible beam of light that blinds people,

And then makes them laugh.

You are…

Quiet in your judgment,

And LOUD in your poignant, individual care.

You are flattering,

And you make me nervous.

Above all, you are…

The most beautiful and reassuring thing I know,

And unsettling beyond words.

You are warm and tender.

Loud, and crazy.

I simply don’t know what to do

With sweetness on fire, the flames waving wildly so that they startle, beckon, and make one want to dance.

You can’t be tamed. You can’t be tamed.

And so I stand and watch until you pass by me and light some other part of the world.

Sarah Sanders '11

I Look Down to Find Myself in Ruins

I.

I used to know you like I know the feeling of Nevada’s cold, crisp air on my face.

I knew the feel of your hand brushing my cheek before it landed.

I knew the color of your eyes and the sound of your voice.

You were all wrapped up in the curve of the hills and the jagged edges of the mountains. The blue and white snow-capped peaks reflected your smiling gaze.

The quiet of the desert reverberated with your gentle whispers, and I always knew where to find you among the aspens and the sagebrush.

You were never far away from me,

And we were very much in love.

These days I feel war torn, reeling from some great shock that dropped in between us when I least expected it. I might have been retreating all this time, running backwards away from the smoke cloud, but I have not known it until now.

II.

I wake up, and I am in a strange place that I don’t know.

Far off, I can hear the sounds of some painful memory, but now I am alone, and not a soul is in sight.

All around me is dust and ash

And my hands are outstretched, as if to say “No.”

I remember the quiet moments that I spent with you, the tender words that you spoke to me in what seems like another life. But I don’t know where to find you now. I don’t know where I am.

III.

I’m trying to reconcile this mushroom cloud and these shrapnel wounds with a life that I once knew was real… but it doesn’t seem real to me anymore.

The color blue, is that a story I heard once? Or perhaps it existed, long ago.

Every now and then I think I hear your voice, calling to me through this smoke.

But I grow ashamed,

And I am scared to walk into the darkness to find you.

The wind brings the smell of fresh-cut grass, or sagebrush after a storm, but only for a moment and it makes me want to cry.

I know home is close, but I don’t know how to get there.

I’m scared to follow your voice, that it will take me too far from this awful place. I’m scared to remember how I got here.

IV.

Lately I’ve been walking to and fro, just where the shadows meet each other and shield me from a place that lies beyond them.

I can see them, living over there. I hear them laughing and imagine them with you.

I comfort myself by looking down my nose at them from over here.

Silly, enchanted fools. They know nothing of this terrible place.

Yet I begin to wonder.

I do not know if it is this life or the other that is really real.

I don’t know how to tell if I am flesh or shadow.

V.

Do you remember when you told me that anything is possible? I don’t believe it anymore. I want to.

Please come find me.

Haiden

I hold you close and feel your tiny lungs, breathing,

And I find myself appreciating life for what it is rather than

What it contains.

Mine, full and overflowing, bursting at the seams,

Is suddenly now full of empty space, so that the light can come in.

Your laughter, like music, reverberates around my mind.

Your tiny hand guides me here and there,

And suddenly there is nothing more important than to be here with you now.

I am unbound by definitions, a whole person reflected in your shining face:

“Itsy—” and you want to play with me.

The world becomes this very light and beautiful place when I’m with you.

Everything is in slow motion.

You guide me step by step,

Pointing out the most interesting and incredible parts of the world,

A pine cone and papa’s big car.

They truly are more amazing than I had given them credit for.

Your scheming eyes and well-placed kisses make me find playfulness in everyday moments.

You are a gigantic, bursting ball of light, completely shattering the conventions of the universe by your beauty.

You are like nothing I’ve ever seen.

My lungs ache, wanting to take in enough air to stay forever placed in this moment,

Where you are laughing, and playing, and you love me.

My hands could break with their desperation to grab you and hold you back from all of this terrible world.

You are just too beautiful to understand, they’ll never know what to do with you.

Your blue eyes are the most dazzling things I have ever seen, so chocked full of wonder and surprise and mischief.

Your tiny hands are my shelter.

Your unquestioning love is my hope beyond hope, my sole and single proof of goodness.

Your life is what holds me above water, what assures me of truth and frightens me about lies.

You are the very definition of beauty, my love,

What all our hopes are riding on.

I will love you until the day I die, I will give my very breath if it’s what you need, I will die for you.

And I will be, here, in this picturesque life with you, in slow motion and bathed in the most glorious light.

We can live in a painting,

We can stay in this beauty as long as I’m with you.

I will never let you go.

I love you, Bubba.

-"Itsy"
Sarah Sanders, '11

Jealousy is the Worst.

I am not the petty type you see

Not usually prone to fits of jealousy

But seeing you with her turns me

The slightest shades of green.

Sarah Sanders '11

"O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;

It is the green-ey'd monster, which doth mock
The meat it feeds on."

-William Shakespeare, Othello

On Learning What It Means to be a Woman

I remember when I talked too loudly

You looked angry.

I remember when I felt too strongly

You were shocked.

I remember when I dreamed too selfishly

You shook your head.

I remember when I cut my hair off

You were quite put out.

I remember when I questioned beauty

You were confused.

I remember when I got too angry

You were annoyed.

I remember when I didn’t listen

You were horrified.

I remember when I spoke instead

You thought me undignified.

I remember when I put my head down

You were satisfied.

Sarah Sanders '11

You asked me what I might desire from you...

You asked me what I might desire from you;

A couplet, nay, a song or a refrain.

You asked me, “Pray, my dear, what should I do—”

“T’wat coffer should my friendship be contained?”

You found me very silent, very still.

Complaints I held before, my speech now chaste.

I gave no indication of my will,

No counter to my previous distaste.

I sat in searching thought for my distress,

My mind unearthing matter, like a sieve.

And finally found the cause of my unrest:

A yearning whose reply you could not give...

No friendship I desire improved in shine,

But ever to be yours and call you mine.

Sarah Sanders '11

A Villanelle

It Seems I Am Not So Hard to Forget

Although by kindest words I am beset,

Your actions tell a story of deceit;

It seems I am not so hard to forget.

In languishing for me you feign and fret,

But coolness overcomes the sec we meet—

Although by kindest words I am beset.

While happiness adorns at love’s onset,

When touch and sight have gone, the feelings fleet!

It seems I am not so hard to forget.

You lift me up to graze God’s silhouette,

And leave me with a sadness just as deep—

Although by kindest words I am beset.

Though inwardly I swirl like winter’s threat,

The woman that you see is kind and sweet.

It seems I am not so hard to forget.

But if somehow I part from this vignette,

I fear I’d make my loneliness complete.

Although by kindest words I am beset,

It seems I am not so hard to forget...

Sarah Sanders, '11