Perseverance

We went back to Azusa this weekend, a much needed sabbatical, for me at least. I feel like the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride, so up and down. When I got to APU, I had no clue what I was feeling or if it was ok to feel that way.
I confess that I am a victim of the popular myth that depression is always a negative thing. Pain has a stigma in our society that does enormous injustice to the real value and purpose of heartbreak, what I believe to be the purest form of pain. It sits above disappointment and bitterness in my mind because true heartbreak comes from the shock of an event or circumstance that is fundamentally opposite of how life was intended to be: broken relationships, addiction, injustice...
The problem was that I didn't know if that was what I was feeling, or if it was just some odd mixture of self-pity and bitterness. So the first night at APU, alone in my best friend's apartment, I used my first alone time with the Lord in weeks to weep and cry out before Him, looking to the Scriptures for some sort of guidance.
I found myself asking God, "If this is where You have called me, why is it so hard?" None of this fits with my perfect year. I know this year is my year, a phenomenal year, and thus far it has been filled with joy, community, growth, and above all, healing. I had a feeling at the beginning of the semester that the role LA term would play in my perfect year would be unlike the previous 8 months, but I didn't know to what purpose.
In my crying out, God spoke the question of joy to me-- "Do you still have joy?" And after some thought, I decided that I do. Thankfully, I am still able to rejoice when others rejoice and bring praise when I see the Lord's hand move, which is often. I thank God that He has given me His eyes these few weeks to see where He is.
But I am not happy. No, I thought, I am quite decidedly unhappy. "Why?" God asked. And I said, "Because I see no reason to be right now." And He said, "That's ok."
James chapter 1 is where He led me:

"Consider it pure joy, Sarah, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

And so He answered my question- "Why is it so hard? Because it's supposed to be, at least for you. I've done incredible things in your life this year, but I'm not finished yet. You are not complete until you pass through this valley with your faith still intact."

Instead of filling me with dread, this promise of trials gave me comfort. Comfort that the Lord understands my sorrow, and He doesn't blame me for it. And comfort that He is not asking me to save the world right now, or even to do anything remotely "big." For now, He is simply asking me to put one foot in front of the other in His direction, to persevere. I'm being exposed to pain and oppression in forms I wasn't prepared to encounter face to face. My heart is indeed breaking for this city, and I've been putting entirely too much pressure on myself to do something about it. To fix it. To save it.

But it is clear to me that, at this point in my life, I can't. And that is hard for me. But God has given me permission, in fact He has told me, to rest right now. To slow, to lean into Him as the evil in the world seems to lean into me. This is a time of preparation and learning, not so much one of action- yet. And He will take care of the rest in His own timing, not mine.

I am so relieved to have a Savior that doesn't expect me to be a savior as well, but simply to go where He leads me. Praise be to the God who sees, the God who hears, and the God who speaks. Amen.

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I'm also incredibly thankful for the friends on main campus that lent an ear to my experiences on LA Term so far and who provided enormous comfort just by their presence. If you're reading, know that I love you. Thanks.

Here's some pictures of LA Term so far. I LOVE the people in this cohort. They help sustain me through this crazy transition with their contagious joy and love and curiousity. Love you guys :)


Everybody, with Steph, in front of Blossom Vietnamese downtown





City Hall



Kim and I laughing at Melanie 'cause she didn't want us to see her toes. :)