Why I Cut My Hair.

So for those of you who hadn't noticed yet, I cut all of my hair off. It was a recent decision, but a very thought out one. I'd like to put it on the record why I did what I did, because it wasn't just for a change. And maybe if you don't like how it looks you'll be ok with that after reading. Or not. I don't really care.

   Lately I've been thinking a lot about culture and identity, my culture and identity specifically. Not just as an American, but as Nevadan, as a Sanders woman, as me. Over the past few years I have seen myself changing my outside to fit what I think will be best received by others. I can remember a time in my life, during high school specifically, where I felt totally comfortable with who I was. I didn't answer to anyone, I didn't try to fit in, and I didn't try to be pretty. My close friends knew who I was and where I stood, and that was all I needed. Other people judged me immediately from my appearance, but to be honest, I kind of liked ruining their expectations of who I was. It was a time where I felt truly abandoned to the Lord, nothing and no one holding me back. I was so free.
   But slowly that changed, whether it was a boyfriend who preferred me to look a certain way, or other people that I knew would judge me by my looks. And then I came to Southern California! I didn't realize until this semester how much pressure there is to look a certain  way here. I remember being so comfortable in Nevada just wearing jeans and a t shirt every day, but here I constantly feel the pressure of making an appearance, and I finally had enough of it.
   I need to get back to who I am. I've found myself in the shoes of some girl that I don't really know, which is why I think I feel so uncomfortable with my looks sometimes. I am not this girl that keeps up appearances. I'm the girl who dyed polka dots in her hair, just 'cause. I'm the girl who hates expectations based on my looks or my gender. I'm not the girl who molds herself into those expectations. Cutting off my hair was a way of running away from that girl that I don't know. It's a way of rebelling against that pressure. It's a feeble attempt at freedom, with the hope that God will go the rest of the way in freeing me from the temptation to simply please other people.

   A lot of my friends tried to convince me not to cut off my hair again, but really that made me want to do it more, just to prove that I can without feeling like a disappointment. So, I'm kind of saying... "I'm a girl. I have short hair. Deal with it." My heart's desire is to not be concerned with anyone's opinion but the Lord's. I did this all on my own, not in response to anyone telling me this is how I'm supposed to be, and it felt really good. I want to be free again, and for me, this is a step in the right direction.

   So, there. If you don't think it looks good... big deal. Tell me. It's something I want to be ok with. I want to live life with arms open wide to the Lord and whatever He brings my way, instead of hoping and praying that I'm doing things right. I know it's a superficial thing... but I'm hoping that somehow the short-haired, relaxed, joyful Nevada girl inside me will come out in response to my outward change.

May it be so.